Year Five
[gallery ids="2673,2674,2675,2676,2677,2678,2679,2680,2681,2682,2683,2684" type="rectangular"]
Photography: Allison Easterling
For those of you who don't know, I'm the wife of a medical school student, a doctor in the making, and the most kind man named Andrew. In our 5 short years, we've already walked through a lot together and now here we are 3 houses, 3 cities, and 3 baby boys later (one growing in my belly :) ). We have so much to be thankful for.We were reminiscing the other day about our favorite trips and moments over these past 5 years, and honestly some of the best times have been those lazy Saturday mornings with the boys. Nothing grand, not a big vacation...just us, our little family eating donuts, playing outside, and playing Super Mario on the weekend :) I'm so content in those moments.As sweet as those moments are, they go by way too quickly and before we know it, Monday hits and we're back to the daily grind of Andrew's crazy school/work schedule and me feeling like I'm single parenting it yet again. All while growing a baby, chasing 2 toddlers, keeping the house in order, cleaning, preparing meal after meal, and finding time to do my ever evolving business. Sound familiar? Some of you moms know exactly what I’m talking about! It's a lot. I know I have SO MUCH to be thankful for but it's so difficult to remain thankful because nothing circumstantial in our lives seems to be changing. We just have to “keep at it” for 5 + more years. It's just hard. Every day.I know I sound like a Debby Downer over here...but it's a daily struggle for me to remember what God is teaching me. It really makes sense though. I'm constantly praying for patience, wisdom, and strength (to name a few), so what better way to teach me those things than to walk the journey He has me on? To have two kids under 3 while pregnant and a husband rarely home...you start to learn strength and recognize your desperate need for Him. When you are forced to make decisions on your own, you gain wisdom. When you have a reckless 3 year old, you learn patience (and a lot of other things haha.) Let's be honest though, no one ever wants to go through the hard stuff but we always pray for things like “a change of heart” or “wisdom” for example. We don't just wake up with wisdom though. He gives us opportunity to learn how to be wise. Most of us want the fruits of the Spirit, but we don't want to work for it. We don’t really want God to allow a difficult situation in our lives, a frustrating job, a stubborn child, or devastating news...but isn’t it through those trials that we actually LEARN to be patient, trust Him, love deeper, gain a renewed and grateful heart and so on?Thankful for pain. Thankful for trials. Now that's hard to say...I’ve found myself complaining about so much lately when really I need to focus on what He’s teaching me. We ask for something like more courage, and I'm seeing He gives us the opportunity to be courageous! It's all about those opportunities He's giving us and how we deal with them. That's how good our God is...He wants to give us what we ask! Let’s start to ask ourselves what the “hard” is in our life and recognize that God is going to USE that to refine us! (Way easier said than done.)A slight change of subject but I really wanted to jot down the things I’m learning with a husband that is on the medical school route. It helps because now I have no excuse to forget it.
- Make the best of time: Dinner will be ready, kids will be bathed and all ready to play with daddy, you made plans to have a nice evening, and your husband comes home 2 hours later than expected. What do you do? You move on. Husband has a free day finally? Make it a fun family day. Take what you can get and make the most of it.
- Set low expectations: (or don't even have any): Because of #1s example, you can't expect timing to be perfect, things to work out, and to live life on a happy little schedule. Doesn't work like that. Yes we have preschool certain days, appointments and other events, but besides that, things are always changing. You have to remember your little family is the most important and that might mean disappointing others.
- Make "home" wherever you are: Like I've said, bringing three kids into the world in three different hospitals in three different cities and in three different homes....is a lot. You have to just make home where you are! (I personally like doing unique artsy things and hand calligraphy in each place!)
- Lastly, be thankful for what you have...always counting your blessings: I could do a whole blog post about this. But...I've really had to not compare, not look at other people's medical school/or non medical school journeys and focus on what we HAVE. Really, life is SO FULL with other things. My husband, and my kids bring life, love, and so much joy. We don't need those grand vacations and a bunch of "things". We don't need the best designer clothes (yay Walmart, grandparents, and hand me downs) and we don't need dinners out (Yes, down the road all 3 of those things would be great.) The BEST part is, my kids don't even think those things are normal. Which I love because going out to eat for example is such a treat for them. I want my boys to always understand that you have to WORK for what you want, and sometimes that hard work takes years (and lots of tears) before you even see results...maybe even a decade!
Truth is, when I think about the future and my circumstances, I start sweating and get really annoyed, I have a good cry, and then sometimes, the depressed Nicole comes out. It's not good for my family or my spirit. To think that we have 5-7 years left of our medical journey...I want to scream and punch a brick wall. I mean seriously...it's depressing. BUT...there is hope for me and there is hope for you if you're in a waiting season.I'm learning that if I remain in Him, loving my family and looking around at everything I HAVE, I realize I'm pretty dang blessed and have more than enough in my life. It’s so, so hard though. But staying focused and remembering this is NOT how life is going to be forever makes me more optimistic. Andrew knows that the second I start stressing over our future, getting all worked up over “how awful Residency will be” and “feeling so alone because he’s off doing his thing while I’m stuck at home...” I get so sad and it takes a lot for me to get out of my head. Such a daily struggle and honestly I don’t have much advice for people in this same situation. Although...I don't think I know anyone in this same situation....so if you're reading this and it describes your life...email me!!! Let's be friends!These 5 years sure have been challenging, beautiful, chaotic, crazy, defining, painful, humbling, full of laughter and love, and the best (yet hardest in some ways) 5 years I could have ever dreamt of. I don’t want to be the same Nicole as I was 5 years ago. I want to be stronger, a better wife & mom, kinder, more loving, wiser, and so on. This journey God has me on is refining me and helping me in all those areas...so really, what else am I supposed to want? This is it! When I prayed for a husband all those years ago and the life we'd have, I would have never imagined the fullness of joy that has been brought to my life. He has done incredibly MORE than I could have ever asked for or imagined. A wonderful husband, and 3 sweet boys? What a good God we serve. THAT'S what matters.So while my kids continue to color on whatever they're coloring on, and the laundry is going and I have a million things to do, just know you are seen, you are heard, and you are not forgotten. Maybe you're on the mountain top and in a wonderful season of life, or maybe you're in the middle of the valley, trudging through. God knows what you need, and most likely that will include very difficult situations that refine you and actually answer those prayers you've been praying. God hears your prayers and will give you days of relief when you think you can't go on. God sees all your hard work raising kids and doing what you're doing. At the end of each day...I want to say "It is well with my soul!"And if you feel like you're stuck in a frustrating season that's taking all your energy...join the club and make sure you have a good mom friend who will pour you a nice glass of wine and let you cry on your couch as you commiserate together :)Oh, and go listen to "Even If" by Mercy Me. SO GOOD.