Baby GIRL!

In October 2019 I was journaling while the boys took their naps and I wrote down: I have such a longing for a baby girl but that sounds crazy because I'm so thankful for what's right in front of me.

For my whole life I wanted all boys.

I don't know if it's because I was always into sports, or because I thought what a huge and important calling it would be to raise godly men.

My boys are tough, but tender. They are wild and free and brave and adventurous. My boys are loving and sweet and dirty and messy. They are helpful and courageous but sometimes cautious and naughty :) Wes, Reid, and Nate have showed me why I have always wanted all boys. They are everything plus more that I have ever dreamed of.

But something was changing in my heart.

I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and grandma...We're like three best friends. Always talking, always FaceTiming, always sending photos and planning when we'll see each other next. I also have the best friends, a lot of them have little girls and I see all these beautiful relationships and started to desire that for our family.

Then after cancer, after surgery, after my miscarriage and broken familial relationships, so much changed in my soul and I rethought everything. Cancer and loss in a way freed me up and shifted my perspective on life and showed me whats' truly valuable.

But it's still hard walking in faith when the outcome could go either way.

I understand the fear of losing something or someone.

And I also understand when that fear turns into a reality. So why would I open my heart up to the possibility of pain?

But then Andrew said to me, "Would it all be worth it if we were holding a healthy baby girl in the end?"

I started bawling. Crying always reveals where our hearts are at. At least it does for me. I obviously still had this new desire of having a baby girl. I couldn't just push it aside but I didn't want to sound ungrateful for what God has already given me. Anyone else ever feel like that? Asking for things when you already have so much in front of you?

So, I said I was open.

Knowing having another baby "could" happen because God is bigger than all of this. But also knowing that life can be full of heartache and I might not ever be able to have another baby.

Just because we're coming to the Lord out of a good heart, wanting good things, doesn't mean they are going to happen. But we also have to remember we serve a personal God who wants to give good gifts to his children. It's both.

So, I stopped thinking about it all and continued to invest in what I had in front of me.

I was thankful for my boys. Thankful for this life I've been given, for my husband, my home, my friends, my health.

What we have to remember is that desiring good things is ok! But leaving those things open before the Lord is all we can do.

When bad things happen, praise Him. And when good things happen, praise Him. It's how we walk through this life in all its joys and hardships that matter.

That will make the difference.

So, here we are, with a baby girl on the way almost 8 months after my initial journal entry. Not because we "deserve" it, not because we did anything right or prayed all the right things... but because this baby is a gift, and so He deserves to be praised. We are so grateful. We are so thrilled. And we can't wait to kiss her precious face!!!!