Choosing the Good Portion Series - Part 2

“And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good potion, which will not be taken away from her.” - Luke 10:39-42 (emphasis added)

……….

I sat in the doctor’s office last week (for my throat and swallowing issues) and the first question she asked was, “Have you been using your voice more than normal the past year?” Umm….yes.

Then she asked, “Have you had any health changes?” Again…yes.

And lastly, “Have you had any life changes that may be effecting your sleep?” Yes, again. 3 for 3. Except I felt like it was a failure for getting 100% on this doctor’s test.

The truth is, for someone with my history, I have overused my voice. The hundreds of podcasts and interviews and messages and speaking engagements have left my throat and neck with much stress and tension. Another reason why I need to take 2024 to heal.

“Why don’t you write, bake, or read more so that you’re not using your voice as much?“

And that is exactly what I will be doing :)

But while that sounds nice, part of me finds it hard to accept. I know I’m not super woman anymore, but I’m still learning this new way of life…or this other side of my character and personality that I never allowed to exist.

Rest.

After this specific doctor’s appointment, I thought about the verse in Luke where it says that Martha was distracted, anxious, and troubled. Those words capture the essence of my 2023. Not an entirely all bad year, because much serving was involved, like Martha. But the year definitely had distractions and anxieties. Sometimes what appears to be a great opportunity is not actually beneficial, though. Not all good things are the right things for you. Not all serving is good.

I knew I needed to sit and hear the Lord more clearly in 2024. I needed to use my voice less and hear His voice more. I spent the last year using my voice and trying to be everything to everyone…but that hamster wheel came to an abrupt stop. Something I would be grateful for the rest of my life…

Before winter 2023, I was checking my messages on social media obsessively, like someone with Tourettes with a tic they can’t control. Must respond was the only thing that pulsed through me. Must respond as soon as possible. I told myself that people cared and were hurting and that I was the only person who could help or pray or solve their problems. I’d message back with my heart and soul, constantly proving to myself and to the world that I was valuable…even needed. I was convinced that my words would produce change.

The times I wasn’t invested in other people’s messages and responding, I would spend time pitching myself to churches and women’s groups. “Do you need a speaker for your next event"?” Just typing this out again brings me back to that season. I’m not fully gagging while typing that out, but my nose is scrunched and those lines between my eyes are clearly defined. I tried not to come off desperate but I believed the lie that I needed more opportunity. I needed to get my book out there because, of course, that’s what you’re “supposed” to do…and it’s my responsibility. And ultimately, I wanted more people to be pushed to Christ… which is the obvious end goal. The things we tell ourselves…

But I continued to hear that still quiet voice, the same One that told me years ago, “You write the book. I’ll do the rest.” God knew I would need that reminder for years to come. “You write the book. I’ll do the rest.” But, in my “doing” and probably my pride, too, I wanted to do more than just write the book.

I pushed that aside, thinking God wanted me to do more. So I would do online giveaways to get more exposure, pay for growth tools on Instagram to get more followers, comment on the cool kids posts so that everyone knew I ran in “those holy circles,” and constantly create beautiful content on the Canva app that matched my exact color scheme. I’d respond to email requests as if they were invites to meet the Queen (Rest her soul). But emojjis and exclamation points were in every text and message to show I care, I’m here, I’m your best friend…again proving to only myself that I’m valued and needed and a trailblazer.

I’m not surprised that this realization of how similar I am to Martha started happening around the time Maddie (my toddler) was potty trained. I think there comes a point in motherhood when your kids can finally go to the bathroom by themselves that creates a little tear in your heart because you’re somehow not needed as much as before… as if wiping a bottom was of high regard. But in some ways, it was. When people depend on you, you are important and that’s where it started to go wrong for me.

I looked at life through the lens of numbers and achievements, speaking events, book sales and social media engagement, all while knowing deep in my soul that none of that truly matters and isn’t even up to me. I thought if I did a, b and c, then x, y and z would happen. As if I held my life in my own hands and if I did all the things, then all the blessings would follow. But I knew better. Instead of “must respond as soon as possible” being the resounding drum in my head, it slowly switched to “you can’t save anyone.” Ouch.

Humility comes when you understand all of your trying is entirely dependent upon the Lord’s will and that man can never undo or thwart God’s intended purposes. I began to feel a peace that I didn’t know could come from surrendering. I was lighter. Not that I didn’t care anymore, but I finally saw that it wasn’t my responsibility to do everything and be everything to everyone.

You write the book. I’ll do the rest.

This new found feeling of a responsibility shift made me feel lazy at first….like what am I supposed to do then if I’m not everything to everyone? It put me in my place before the throne recognizing that God, in fact, doesn’t need me. And I don’t like that truth…but I also know that He is so gracious and kind and loving and personal because He WANTS to use me. He wants to use His children to further His kingdom. My rollercoaster was dreamed by me, built and directed by me, and now I’m riding what I created. But God has a better ride that He wants to show me. A ride that He drew up and built and is inviting me to take the ride of my life. But I’ll have to surrender on a daily basis, giving up what I thought would bring me life. Control. Fun. Happiness.

That’s when the “most likely” tumor was found. I believe all these occurrences are somehow intertwined into my story of rest and healing in 2024. But I don’t think this time is all about my health and healing my voice. I think it has everything to do with a way of life that I used to live and a new way of life that the Lord is leading me into. Abiding. It’s like I’ve been looking through this pair of fun and stylish sunglasses that made me feel fierce and strong, but God is asking me to take them off, to see what He sees, to listen to what He has to say. To not be hiding behind something, to see things for what they are in full capacity without hinderance.

I’ve been opened by surrendering and finally caved to the fact that I am no savior to anyone. I can’t fix or heal or respond or care as much as God can. And while I have the power of the Holy Spirit in me and working through me, I think the stronger act of character comes when you walk away from a controlling and prideful way of life that wasn’t working, taking off the sunglasses, and living free and in submission to Christ.

Free and submission shouldn’t go in the same sentence but it does with Christ.

You write the book. I’ll do the rest.

Now that I won’t be speaking as much this year, it’s going to force me to sit at the Lord’s feet and listen. My voice is worthless unless it’s filled with the Spirit. And sometimes we need to be content in the quiet, learning and recognizing His voice before we go back out even stronger.

But being content in the quiet is a lost art. Especially these days. There is pressure to constantly “do.” The world is so noisy…so distracting….bringing so much anxiety and trouble. But at His feet, our “doing” is rewarded unlike the world where we always come up short and always crave more. At His feet, we listen. We choose the good portion. We hear His voice. We learn what it is He has for us. We receive invaluable words. We change and grow. At His feet, we become.

Sitting is a choice. Resting is a choice. Surrender is a choice. Will we choose this year to sit and listen to His voice more than use our own? Will we stop and get off the hamster wheel? Take off the sunglasses? You may not be a speaker or author but don’t be mistaken: that voice in you is invaluable. And God wants to use it. But we can’t use ours unless we can clearly hear His.