Choosing the Good Portion Series - Part 1

Well, here I am. It’s been 3 years since my last blog post and I’m finally writing a blog again. :) Writing Take Back Your Joy obviously took a lot of my mental writing space, but since I have a year off from ministry, speaking, and everything else because of my health issues, I thought I’d blog again and invite you into this new series.

A handful of months ago, I started to notice that I was having a difficult time swallowing solid foods. I’ve heard that years after a total thyroidectomy, it is possible to experience this as the scar tissue tightens and pulls on the surrounding area of the neck. I didn’t think anything of it and just kept moving along.

It wasn’t until a couple months later when I caught the flu, pink eye, a cough, had voice complications and a horrible sore throat in December that I came to grips with the fact that something just seemed off in me and I landed in the ER. You know those times where you can’t put a finger on what you’re dealing with physically, but you know something’s off, but then the doctors and nurses make you feel crazy and high maintenance? Thats how I felt. I’m married to a doctor but since I’ve walked through cancer and many health problems, I have the authority to say these things, ha!

But I walked into the ER and every nurse, doctor and PA thought I was being dramatic at first….until the CT scan came back. They sat down with me, spoke kinder, offered me a heated blanket, and completely changed their tune. I knew something was up. They proceeded to tell me a nodule/mass was found in my neck. This mass lit up in the CT and they let me know I needed to follow up with my endocrinologist and oncologist in the coming weeks. If you’re unaware of CT scans, if things “light up,” it could be cancerous. Because I’ve had cancer in that area of my neck before, I had a sick feeling it was cancer again.

Of course, this all happened around the holidays. We had the kids’ Christmas programs, a surprise trip to Disney World for the kids, Christmas, and New Years and just a lot of events that should be fun and a joyful time. Yet, here I was, still waiting for answers and future appointments and test results.

Something I’m continuing to learn is that life is lived in the grey. And coming from a black or white way of living and thinking, this is all new to me. I think I looked at all the good things in life and just thought that was “life.” But then all the hard things I’ve experienced were labeled as lessons or trials or growing opportunities from God. But I had it all wrong. It’s the opposite.

All the good things that happen in our life are from the Lord. And all the crap and the pain and the heartache is just life. I’m finally accepting that pain doesn’t have to be over spiritualized, but instead the pain can be just that: pain. Facing it with real emotions.

But then, the hope follows for us.

Because we know that as Christians, we don’t walk through trials and suffering for nothing….but that God will use it for His glory and our good (Romans 8:28) and that He will also produce in us character, endurance and hope because of what we face (Romans 5:3-5). We have great hope since we serve the only One who can use all the awful things we go through to develop us and make us more like Christ.

It’s hard to understand and truly live this out, but at the end of the day, both the good and bad sides of life have hope and joy. Are you not suffering but instead experiencing blessing upon blessing right now? All glory to God. Are you suffering and in the valley right now? All glory to God because it’s in the valleys where we hear God’s voice and experience His love in ways that the mountaintop won’t teach us.

I know this all to be true. But that doesn’t mean I’m a robot and unaffected by life’s battles.

After my last appointment, my oncologist said that the mass looked like a parathyroid tumor. Praise the Lord that it’s on the smaller side, so he couldn’t even biopsy it yet. But, we’ll wait another 6 months (totally normal to wait this long since thyroid cancer is slow growing) and then we’ll do another CT to see if the tumor grows. If it does, then he’ll biopsy, high chance its cancer, and then surgery would follow. Or it could be miraculously gone. Or it could be the same size and I’d have to “live with a tumor”. Whatever happens, I’ll praise the Lord for his continued faithfulness in my life.

As I fought back tears, I looked at my doctor and said, “I thought I’d be okay forever, never having a reoccurrence. I’m just so disappointed!” He looked at me and said, “Nicole, you will be okay forever because you are strong and have a wonderful family. You have a husband who loves you and healthy kids, so you will get through this and be ok.” I know he’s right but the other thing I have that he didn’t mention is hope. Hope in the Lord and that “the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to come.” (Romans 8:18)

I have an appointment today to go over the swallowing complications I’m dealing with, I have more bloodwork in a couple weeks, I’m meeting with a nutritionist because I have celiac disease with a dairy intolerance (hand in face emoji) and I’m officially one of those people that can only do so much and I’m limited. Limited. I hate that word but that is exactly what I am. And because of everything going on, I had to make the difficult decision to cancel all events and push pause on ministry and everything else. The Lord has cleared my entire table for 2024. I have given everything up and I’m ready to be.

As I work through these new limitations, as someone who doesn’t like to be put in a box, who thinks she’s super woman, who loves to have her plate extra full with lots of people and speaking and opportunity and enjoys dong all the things…I’m noticing that this year off is a gift from the Lord. I’m hibernating. I’m abiding. I’m not planning. I’m not hussling. I’m sitting at His feet. “Choosing the good portion.” (Luke 10:42)

I may not understand it yet but I know the best days are ahead and that the Lord is doing a work even when it doesn’t look flashy and big and traveling and being “known”. The joy is in the hidden moments with the people I love. The peace is found away from the limelight. The humility is found on my knees.

I don’t know if you’re walking through anything at the moment that seems like too much, but I pray this random blog series will meet you where you are. I’m not going to talk about all the things in my book because you can do that in your own time. But this is our time to talk about how to live in the grey when trials abound and blessings seem scarce. When heartache is present but His grace is enough. When waiting seems troubling but His peace envelops us. When you can’t seem to take another step but the Holy Spirt breathes fresh wind upon you to keep going. When you see there’s no way and yet He makes a way. This is where we will sit. A year of abiding.

Let’s choose what is good. Until next time.