There is Purpose in the Pain

Days after Andrew and I had finally decided we wanted to try for a 4th baby, I saw a faint "pregnant" line. Five tests later I couldn't believe I was actually pregnant again! We were thrilled, surprised, shocked, nervous, and everything in between. All of my babies would be 21 months apart and I would share a November birthday month with this last baby!

A little life was growing and I started to get that giddy and excited feeling.

We've never done anything "special" to tell our families or the boys that I was pregnant. With this being our "last," I wanted to go all out on absolutely everything! I had everything planned out and couldn't wait.

Even though I was nauseous really early on, I had such an excitement knowing I was carrying our last baby. I even bought a summer dress that would be perfect for my growing baby bump.

When you're pregnant you always think of that sweet baby, don't you? It transforms your thinking and is always on your mind. You know there is life inside of you as you carry him/her with you wherever you go.

About 6 weeks in, I woke up spotting.

I was terrified. I've never had any bleeding during pregnancies, I've never had any major complications, and I knew something was off. At the time, I was on a girls trip in San Antonio so my friend called almost every clinic in the city but no one would take my insurance.

Because I wasn't in horrible pain or having horrible bleeding, I just sat and watched movies, ate chocolate chip cookies and cried for the remainder of my trip.

When I got back to Colorado, I scheduled an appointment and took a pregnancy test. It was still full blown positive so I started to have hope. Maybe this was just implantation bleeding? Maybe this is normal for some women? Or maybe this was a fourth pregnancy thing? I knew a ton of women who spotted in their first trimester so maybe everything would be ok.

I finally got in to my appointment and there on the ultrasound was a sac and something in the sac. Things were going to be ok! The midwife told me if we're going off my last cycle though, she was 99% sure it was going to end in a miscarriage because she wasn't seeing a 7 to 8 week baby. So I cried, she told me it's not my fault, and to come back in two weeks to make sure everything had "passed."

She told me my body would probably pass the baby naturally and I'll probably have horrible cramping and lots of bleeding...but I left confused. I had the ultrasound photo and could see a baby forming, even after the bleeding.

I couldn't fully grieve because I was holding on to the 1%.

After talking to some friends who had similar situations in their first trimester, I thought maybe my weeks were way off. Maybe I was only 4 or 5 weeks with early bleeding and I'd be ok! Maybe I would go back to my next appointment in two weeks to find a heartbeat because God always shows up in the 1%! He is a God of miracles and I was going to prove that midwife wrong.

The next morning, we found out we were moving to North Carolina.

What the heck was God doing? Ok, we're moving away from our friends and my parents and church and community, but this baby has to be healthy. It would just be "too much" to deal with, right?

My bleeding stopped and I never "passed" anything and had no cramping like the midwife said I would. We started packing up our house and I felt beyond pregnant. I was so hopeful. Hesitant, but hopeful. I knew spotting in your first trimester wasn't abnormal and actually happened a lot. Since my cycles were all off, I could have just been early on in the pregnancy.

This baby was going to be ok.

I even started planning things again. Checking out my favorite instagram accounts for all things baby, and even told a couple companies I was expecting and would love to work with them. I knew God was big enough to save this baby. I thought this baby was going to have a crazy miracle story of how the doctors all stood around and saw the miracle of a beating heart inside my womb....

But that was not the plan.

Two weeks later, I woke up on the day of my appointment to two little boys grabbing their blankets and crawling into bed with me. There was a beautiful sunrise and I told God, "I want what you want. I want my life to align with your plan. And I want whatever brings you the most glory."

As I walked into my appointment, I truly thought it was going to be a day of rejoicing. I felt beyond pregnant. I thought the midwife would say, "Oh! We must have had your dates off and your spotting was totally normal! Congratulations, you are 8 weeks pregnant and here's the beating heart." I thought it was a simple mix up of dates.

The first midwife came in and did the ultrasound and there was nothing. No blood, no sac, no extra fluid, no infection, no baby. Absolutely nothing. The second midwife came in and saw the same thing. Nothing. After 3 people checking my empty uterus, I knew it was over.

They asked for me to come back a couple weeks later for bloodwork to make sure my levels were back to normal. If they weren't, I'd have to get a D&C and that was it. I officially had a miscarriage.

I was devastated and, honestly, I still am.

Does this mean that God is still good? Absolutely. How do I know this? One, this is not my first trial or first heartache in life. But, two, I know God is good because I know His character. And when you know someone's character, you know their heart. And His heart is FOR me...He cares about me more than I'll ever know.

A loss is horrible, no matter the stage. We don't understand what this means, why this happened, or if there was a purpose. But we can rest in knowing God is sovereign over all. That He did not cause this, that He is not surprised by this, and that He will redeem this sad situation. I will meet this little life in Heaven. This baby is His.

I cling to this hope: God has a beautiful and redemptive story for all of us. And I want all that He has for me and my family.

If you've been through a miscarriage, I am so, so sorry. Unfortunately, I understand. I understand the pain, the anger, and the hurt. I understand the questions and doubts moving forward with your life and the hopelessness.

But just know this: we live in a fallen world with a real enemy who wants you to think that this is the end. He wants to steal your joy. He wants you to think that this is where you should give up. But cling to the truth, my friends. Cling to the truth. Jesus is our strength and He makes all things new and beautiful.

There is purpose in the pain.